Suzi · the · homeless · girl

College... is difficult. I decided to become really cocky about my grades and not show up for any classes (esp. stats). I missed my last midterm (they dropped one and I already have an A). I look at the lecture supplement today and I am clueless. So I made myself suffer by reading and teaching myself the material I missed. And let me tell you, it is really difficult.

I will not be denied of an A for my foolishness.

I read 13/16 chapters so far. I'm saving the hardest 3 for another day since the final is on tuesday. I have some time.

Work is killing me. 25+ a week o_O

I need to go to florida or somewhere very sunny and warm. I miss summer <3
around 6 months till summer time yay

I just got my car. It is a 1999 purple corolla. It's not THAT impressive but it is very good on gas. It was my brother's and now it's mine. My brother got a new car for his 21st birthday. Out of ALL cars, he picked a brand new GOLD corolla. Silly brother, why does he love corollas?

SUMMER VACATION IS FUNNNNNNNNN
no more work
no more reading
no more homework
wow i needed a break and I have it.

i enjoy sleeping but I can't all asleep. Thank goodness for tylenol PM.

WELL I'M WRITING THIS BECAUSE PSY220 IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. THIS CLASS IS SO INSANELY HARD THAT I AM BARELY PASSING. IN MY OTHER PSYCH CLASSES (300 LEVEL) I EASILY GOT AN A. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE TEACHER. EVERYONE IS BARELY PASSING HIS CLASS, THE MAJORITY OF CLASS IS GETTING A C. HIS MIDTERMS MAKES THE AP PSYCH EXAM LOOK WIMPY. THE PSYCHOLOGY GRE'S ARE A LOT EASIER THAN HIS TEST. I DON'T EXPECT THE QUESTIONS TO BE COMPLETELY STRAIGHT-FORWARD, BUT HIS QUESTIONS ARE RIDDLES. OUT OF 75 QUESTIONS, I KNOW THE ANSWER TO ABOUT 10. I WILL STUDY FOR HOURS AND MASTER EVERY SINGLE MATERIAL AND GET A 75 AT THE MOST. I REGRET TAKING THIS CLASS. I WANTED TO BECOME A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST BUT THIS CLASS TOTALLY TURNED ME OFF. I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE. I HAVE NOT TAKEN A CLASS THIS HARD (THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE MATH). HOW HARD CAN A CLASS BE IF THERE IS NO MATH INVOLVED? ALL IT REQUIRES IS MEMORIZING CONCEPTS AND INFORMATION. I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN HOW HARD HIS TEST IS. I GOT A MIDTERM IN 2 HOURS AND ITS GOING TO HAVE ABOUT 120 QUESTIONS. WHAT'S FUNNY IS THAT HE TEACHES AT SUFFOLK COMMUNITY COLLEGE. IF HIS TEST ARE EXACTLY THE SAME IN SUFFOLK, OH, I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE. HE WINS THE RECORD FOR THE HARDEST MIDTERMS. HE SHOULD GO TEACH PSYCHOLOGY AT HARVARD OR SOME IVY LEAGUE AND STAY OUT OF STONY BROOK/SUFFOLK. HE'S A NICE GUY AND ALL BUT I HAVE NO IDEA THAT HE CAN CREATE SUCH MONSTROSITY ON A SIMPLE PIECE OF PAPER. I GIVE UP, I AM NOT STUDYING BECAUSE ALL I'M GOING TO GET AT THE MOST IS A C. I AM PRETTY ENRAGED. I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS. I RARELY TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM RARELY THIS ANGRY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HE DOESN'T CURVE THE CLASS AT ALL AND IF YOU MISS MORE THAN 3 CLASSES, HE WILL START LOWERING YOUR GRADE BY A WHOLE LETTER GRADE. THERE ARE 300 PEOPLE IN THE CLASS AND WHAT IF SOMEONE MISSES THE SIGN-IN SHEET? FORGETTING TO SIGN-IN IS EASY TO DO BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE CLASS. I MISSED ABOUT 3, WHICH IS FINE. BUT, I THINK I FORGOT TO SIGN IN ONCE BECAUSE NO ONE PASSED THE SHEET TO ME. IT'S A CLASSROOM FOR 800 PEOPLE AND PEOPLE ARE SCATTERED AROUND SO IT'S EASY TO MISS THE SHEET OR PASS IT THE WRONG WAY.

OK I'M GOING TO GET A D. FUCK, THIS IS KILLING MY AVERAGE SO BAD. GOODBYE 3.8.

worse week ever.
finals suck.
Don't mix PMS and FINALS WEEK. It is not a good combination. Not only that, but people keep provoking me. Best remedy? The dark decadence shake from Godiva. I can sure use that but fuck, I got a PSY220 final today. Basically, I didn't show up for SOC105 for a month so I crammed in a month's worth of reading and studying in a night. I woke up at 5 and studied more then fell back to sleep (UGH I NEVER STUDIED THIS MUCH IN MY WHOLE LIFE). I took the test, which wasn't too bad, but some of the questions confuse me. I despise questions that has answers like, "both B and A" and "both B and C". It throws me off. I'm in a pretty shitty mood and no one's really helping.

PSY220 SUCKS and is the HARDEST psych course that I have ever took. The midterm makes the AP PSYCHOLOGY EXAM look like a joke.

I kinda feel sad now. I had a pretty shitty weekend and birthday. This is the first year in many years that I haven't seen my best friends. I haven't seen them in months. I'm going through a Briana withdrawal. Talking to her realize how much I miss her. She left me a sweet birthday comment which was pretty funny. It had a picture of us doing stupid things. And she also put a picture of a cartwheel, broken eggs and an ice cream truck that only me and my best friends knows what it means.

Ugh, I want a concentration in biology for my biopsychology major but I suck at math. Even though I am REALLY EXTREMELY lazy, I'm pretty bright. Math is pretty much my kryptonite.

so yah
signed up for classes
and ONLY 2 DAYS OF CLASSES YET!!
yesss im going to fail!

I know it's very unrealistic but it seem pretty real to me.

I keep having very disturbing vivid dreams thats leaves me feeling a lot of emotion. I don't remember most of them.

So, I had this dream that I was at Stony Brook and all of the sudden someone (a witch?) used a big nuclear bomb on Stony Brook. So, everyone was evacuating and I was too scared to move. I didn't want to go outside because maybe I figured the building can take it. All of the sudden, everything was in slow motion and the nuclear bomb dropped and destroyed everything within miles and it was inching closer to me... then I ran to the bathroom and the bathroom shield me from the nuclear bomb.

I almost faced death straight in the eye.

I have never experienced such fear before. In the past, I kept wishing that I was dead. But, in the dream, I did not want to die. In fact, I feared dying. It made me realize that life can be taken away anytime and it's so easy to lose it. You never know what's going to happen. Life is something rare and precious and each person only has one of it.

There is only one life.
But endless possibilities to die...

oh and they really should stop making nuclear bombs and atom bombs. They're pretty fuckin scary (thank goodness I wasn't living in Nagasaki during WWII). Damn you Einstein...

George Bush should stop bombing Iraq. How would he like it if we bombed him? I think I should write him a letter about how it feels to be bombed. After all, MOST of the people in Iraq are innocent.

3-4 more days of school for ME. 8 for everyone else.
Got class on thursday friday tuesday and possibly thursday? since I am a wonderful individual who aced all of her shit and her professors drop the lowest grades. mwahaha.

I need summer vacation.

Summer vacation = tan. Bring out the sun, baby.

I'm debating whether or not I should play lacrosse this summer. hmmm... I have a job but I want to play more (omgz i love lax)

I might get a 2nd job. I have the option of getting paid at the end of summer or every two week. It sounds kind of nice receiving massive amounts of moola at one time. So I might want a small part time job on the side to prevent me from being broke if I do get paid at the end of summer.

I want to sleep on my big big big big big big humongous big big huge ass big ass large extra large bed. I'm sick of the small tiny bed in my dorm.

I just felt like writing this. I'm off to Sociology byeeeeeeee

I had the strangest dreams last night and this early morning. I had a dream that I got pissed off at my friend and beat the shit out of her really badly. It was almost as though I wanted to kill her and I almost did kill her. And even if I kicked her ass, she was still trying to talk to me and was saying things to my mom such as "Why won't she talk to me?". There was more to it but I don't quite remember. All I remember is that I felt really bad, Then, there was this guy who was supposed to kill me and I was trying to beat him up too but I was too small to damage him. I felt weak and powerless.

When I woke up. It felt as though I cried for hours even though I didn't. Why am I having such disturbing dreams? Dreams have meaning behind them...

Weather was kinda shitty today. I did not bother showing up for class and I stayed inside as long as possible. However, I studied for PSY220 all day. I just came back from taking the midterm and it was SO hard. His exams are so impossible. There was 74 questions and I guessed on like, 60 of them. Then I skipped lacrosse practice. I hate rainy days.

Now I shall go and study for my PSY359 quiz tomorrow. Maybe I'll go clubbing tonight.

Oh and I got the job at kenwal day camp! WOO GO ME!
Retail can go suck my ass.

kthnxbye!

Back to good ol' school today.

yes one class cancelled tomorrow.

4 more weeks left.

Life is good.

I went to take an eye exam for contact lens a couple of days ago and the doctor was hitting on me. FREAKKYYY much?

So, theres this one exam where you look at this image and you focus on it. I started laughing because it was a picture of a farm in the middle of nowhere. I have OBSESSIONS with farms and pennsylvania and such. I <3 Lancaster

I want to go to sleep. goodnight.

Almost 19 years old and still confused about identity. Sometimes I don't know who I am. I kept disidentifying myself constantly. I do it so much that I don't know who I am. Many people noticed that I changed. There are controversies going through my head whether or not, I should do one thing or not. I feel lost.

Sometimes I act different from time to time to situation to situation. I don't feel like myself. I'm just in a mixture of mumbo jumbo.

I don't have an identity. Is this normal for almost 19 year old girl?

I'm so confused about who I am. It's bothering me so much that it's making me sad.

What do I do wrong?

To not want to TALK TO ME ever again...?
I honestly feel like I'm doing something wrong otherwise things wouldn't be going this bad.

What is wrong with me?
It just makes me so confused. Sometimes it kind of hurts me and I stop and think about what I did to cause all this.

If he knew how much it hurts me and how much he means to me, would he stop?

I really liked him (I can't say love) and cared about him a lot.

I.wish.I.can.start.over.again.

I sent a message to my professor asking if I can TA.

I wrote:
"Hi! I was wondering if I can become TA for PSY359 this semester. By the
looks of it, I'll be able to get an A in the course. Please reply back."

And she wrote back:
"Yes. Register for Undergraduate Teaching practicum. My section is ########."

YES!! okay, so the main problem is paying for this semester otherwise I can't register for the Undergraduate teaching pracitcum. I'm HAPPY, SO HAPPY.

Well, I just couldn't let this news bottled up inside. MUST... BE... RELEASED.

I e-mailed my psy359 professor asking if I can TA next semester. Please pray that I get the position! I'm only a freshmen taking that class but as long as I get an A, age doesn't matter, right? I asked the professor in the beginning the semester and she seem to ridicule me just because I'm a freshmen in that class and the majority of people are juniors and seniors. I hope I get it. It's very beneficial to me and gives me a experience and a greater chance getting into grad school. Most importantly, it gives me a feeling of worth and that I have SOME intelligence floating around in my brain. Maybe my parents will be proud of me for once. I already feel bad for not obtaining a 4.0. I guess I can compensate by becoming a TA in my sophohmore year!

I am starting to believe that I have a life of intelligence somewhere inside of me. But the things that comes out of my mouth... oh my god, sometimes I think I'm retarded. I didn't think I was smart but there are certain moments in my life that I shined. It's like, I haven't reached my full potential and that it's leaking out slowly. I think my brother realized that and that's why he expects me to get a 4.0. I don't think I can quite easily get a 4.0, but is 3.8 good enough? There's always this one class that screw things up, you know? Honestly, I can probably get a 4.0 BUT I'M SO LAZY!!! After all, 3.8 is only .2 away from a 4.0.

OKAY! to get into grad school.
PH.D program - at least 3.5 (not a big deal)
Masters program - 3.0 (i think)

Starting Sophomore Year
Get into the psychology honor society (psi chi)
Try to get into the psychology honors program (Someone told you apply for it junior year, but it says sophomore year on the psychology website)
Become a research assistant
Become a TA (praying to get that position)
Join Minorities in Psychology (no requirement yay)

Junior year
Study for the GRE (I might study a bit starting summer. I did answer a couple of the questions and got about 60% right) I need a 1000. But I am aiming for 1300.

Senior year (a long way to go)
Write up grad school essay
Get good teacher recommendation

Not too hard. I have so much passion for psychology that writing up a grad essay would actually be enjoyable.

Well my brother doesn't really want me to do psychology because of competitiveness. So besides getting into grad school, I want to prove that I really want to do this and that I can do this despite of the B.A I'm getting. Unfortunately, math does not like me and B.S requires calc A and B and I didn't even get through algebra and not to mention Chem131 and Chem133.

Oh well, not too much to write. I'll post pictures that are psych related :)

I want them so bad. #1 choice is the charm bracelet just because I love dopamine, serotonin and GABA.

Wow, I haven't posted in a LONG time. Actually, I lied... I updated a couple of months ago and I deleted it because I SOUND way too emo. I had a xanga but anthony made me realize that the name "xanga" sounds weird. XANGA XANGA XANGA! WHOAAAA FREAKY.
Ok, okay.. High School. I graduated a while ago and finished my last year of H.S lacrosse (3-11 yeahh!!) ...yeah we kind of sucked. I'm surprised I didn't get kicked off the team, I spent half the season vacationing in miami. and the other half, I skipped practice, I was really lazy hah. NOT TO MENTION, I quit winter track within the last couple of weeks. I could've earned another varsity letter but oh well... SENIORITIS!

Let see...
Made top 20 in homecoming but wasn't good enough to make it onto the court like my brother did. I was kind of glad because I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A DRESS.
Runner up in senior superlaxtive: Class clown, most dazed and confused and pedestrian's worse nightmare.
And according to miguel, I was runner-up for prom queen. Ehhh I'm not too sure about that, I didn't go to prom and no one mentioned it to me except for him.
Obviously I didn't show up for any banquets or proms because I do not want to wear a dress and I never will. How am I gonna get married if I won't wear a dress? Hmmm, maybe I'll pretend I'm poor and have a wedding in my basement and wear togas made out of paper towels (but only bounty, they got the illest absoption power).

I dropped many honors and AP courses because of senioritis. But mostly in the second half of the year.

Sad Story
My family didn't show up for my graduation. I think I cried a bit. I was forced to go to my brother's, but no one really showed up for mine. I end up giving my graduation tickets to a friend who had like 20 people at his graduation. The funny thing is that he think his parents hate him. WELL, LOOK AT MINE! I think the only person in my family who actually cares about me (even though he seems like he hates me) is my brother. He would've showed up if he knew about it and wasn't in Geneseo. 4 years of high school and all I get is a stupid piece of paper that says I graduated high school. All they said was, "oh you're going to graduation? have fun, bye"

College
I started COLLEGE! So, I got accepted to Stony Brook University. Actually, scratch that... I got accepted to ALL THE COLLEGES I APPLIED FOR because I'm that amazing. For Stony Brook, one of the requirements was supplement which included an essay. Well, I didn't know about that so I didn't write one. But, they accepted me anyways and not only that, they actually gave me some money (some kind of academic shit) because they said I'm smart...? yeah ok. My new goal in life is to get rejected by a college.

Dorming experience
It's a lot of fun. I GET FREEDOM - something I did not have while living at my dad's house in dix hills. So, the first few weeks, I WENT CRAZY. I drank so much and went to SO many parties and didn't show up for most of my classes. I had MORE alcohol than WATER in my fridge so somewhere in the middle of the semester, I had pain in my right calf and had 3 charley horses in a row. Let me tell you, CHARLEY HORSES ARE SO PAINFUL. One is enough to disable my walking ability for a whole day. I screamed so loud that my RA heard and she ran into my room and called the hospital and they came in ambulances and put me on stretchers and all that good stuff. So, I was in the hospital for hours then they did an ultrasound on my right calf (which by the way, hurts A LOT) and basically the person who was doing it called me a pussy lmao. So thats my wonderful hospital experience. After that, I stocked up on water and had not that much alcohol in my fridge. So... I just took some alcohol from my friends hah. So much for learning a lesson. I still skipped a lot of classes and eventually, when the semester was over, I got my grades and did horrible. So I basically screwed up my chance for med school because my gpa was THAT low.

College Classes
I slept in all my classes except for psychology and writing (I couldn't sleep b/c there was only 20 people in class). I LOVED PSYCHOLOGY despite my suffering grades. And FOR writing, I typed up all my papers drunk and almost failed, then I fixed and rewrote all my papers last minute for another grade evaluation and I passed yay.

First semester is pretty bad. I was such a bad girl and I must admit, tango-ed with a lot of men. ehhh.

NOW!!!
I decided to major in psychology and biology (but i suck at mathizzle). I think it's a really good combination. I don't really know what to do. I'm doing a whole lot better. I'm taking two 300 level courses, one 200 level courses and one 100 level courses which is about 16 credits and if all goes well, hopefully I'll come out with a 3.8 or 3.5 at the least. I should be able to TA for a 300 level class next semester, but we'll see how it goes...

One of my best friend has been coming and we've been suite hopping asking men for liquor because we are awesome like that. :)